Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Baseball Nuggets

News and observations from around the diamond......

  • Eric Byrnes was just given a 3 year, $30m contract. In other, not so unrelated news, I just paid half a million dollars for a Toyota Camry.
  • Whispers abound that Johnny Damon might be unceremoniously cut after selling his soul to Lucifer for a bigger paycheck in the Bronx less than two years ago. So next year when you open up your crisp new edition of Webster's and look up the word karma, JD's Judas bolt will be listed under the definitions. Along with Hugh Grant's career after he got caught with that hooker. What was her name? Oh yeah, Eddie Izzard.

  • In case you missed it, Barry Bonds has been going after some record of sorts after tying the current record about 7 years ago. If anyone has seen Bud Selig up in the box during the game, I'm sure you would agree that ole Bud would personally bend Barry over, pull his pants down and stick a needle in his ass filled with straight horse testosterone just to get this over with. This is like the baseball equivalent of I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. It's just painful to watch for everybody.

  • Neifi Perez has now been suspended twice within the last year for steroids and in that time he averaged a home run roughly every 175 bats. Therefore, we can deduce that he was getting his testosterone directly from Zach Braff.

  • LA of A Angels' stadium has been cited for "vermin violations", aka they have rat problems. So when you see the return of the Bubonic plague you can blame Artur Moreno on his refusal to spend his beaucoup bucks on exterminators and instead spend it on......Gary Matthews Jr.?

  • Alfonso Soriano has torn his quad and reports have him pegged at being able to return in 2-4 weeks. Apparently whoever is figuring out this timeline has also been driving the Cubs to the World Series bus for the last, oh, 80 years. That's childlike optimism you only see in Cubs fans these days. If you've ever even tweaked your quad you'd know it's going to take an act of God - who obviously isn't a Cubs fan - to have him back anywhere near 2 weeks.

  • A-Rod hit some milestone, some guy grabbed his ball (not the first time, last guy was Jeter I believe) and now said guy is holding an auction. Obviously this matters to only Mr. April, so that kind of limits this guy's negotiation stance. But I still vote that the guy who caught the ball signs a deal with Scott Boras. He'd probably get roughly half the GDP of Moldova. Or the Devil Rays.

  • Some of this stuff just writes itself, from ESPN: "David Wells will stay in the Padres' rotation despite being hammered lately."

    No @#$%, huh.

  • Pedro Martinez will be making his first rehab start this season shortly. With Petey's injury woes and Johnny Damon's suckitude, is there any question that the Boston Red Sox front office is the greatest collective group of prognosticators in baseball? Except for J.D. Drew. And Yoel Piniero. And Edgar Renteria. And Wily Mo Pena. And Julio Lugo. Alright, Theo's mediocre at best.