Monday, July 23, 2007

Ron Mexico, Bret Michaels & Leninism

Anybody who's ever written anything in their life above a 3rd grade level will tell you it's a lot easier to find a topic of discussion when you have strict and detailed guidelines, as opposed to a deep pool of everything. I could sit here and talk about how Bud Selig won't fly up to San Fran to give Barry Bonds a slap on the ass when he passes Hank Aaron's home run record next Wednesday (you heard it here first), but that's been played out. The NBA is about to go down like the Hindenburg, but I'm sure everyone will love watching Czar Stern turn the NBA into the local state penitentiary with his ridiculous rules because of one (for now) referee. I'm also not sure whether or not to give him credit for having huge cojones to try that, or to slag him off for being an imbecile. How could he not know he would be caught eventually? Even if he was using an alias such as Chuckles McGugin or Ron Mexico, who wasn't going to notice that? Speaking of Ron Mexico (use that line often at random moments, just trust me), Michael Vick is in trouble or something. After spending the majority of the last 4 days in transit with XM Radio sports channels talking about nothing but Vick, I've had enough. I'm ready for the Joey Harrington era to begin in the ATL. Falcons fans can feel free to excuse themselves to vomit violently over and over again. Can we have a moment of silence for the Falcons franchise?


I've thought about covering the ridiculous theory that Carlos Zambrano somehow has a shot at this year's NL Cy Young (AHEM), but PTI tackled that one last week and I'm not sure that has enough legitimacy to have any legs - even though I hope for the sake of Cubs fans that he helps bring home a World Series trophy if the Red Sox don't win. It's coming from SoCal anyway (how's that for a bold prediction?). Freddie Ljungberg signed with West Ham, which makes about as much sense as cancer. I think a spot in the EPL Top 4 was just vacated. Wesley Sneijder wants to continue being a prick at Ajax rather than take his Napoleon complex abroad. By the way, you can be assured you won't hear any MLS references from me. I watched the Celtic-MLS All-Stars last week in a hotel room and I'd heard of 2 players in the MLS starting lineup. This coming from a big football/soccer fan in the states. Nice job, MLS. Way to reel in the hardcore fans. And no, I did not see the Beckham 'debut.' My exceptional IQ would not allow me to figure out the immense complexities of time zone adjustments. Meaning I can't add or subtract all the way up to 3. Sometimes I wonder how I made it past the 1st grade. Sadly, I'm not the only one.

Then there's the non-sporting news. Bush is being criticized from within and abroad. People are dying in Iraq. Some American woman was kidnapped. Male circumcision might help prevent the spread of AIDS. Everybody loves Harry Potter. Russia isn't happy with the West. Stop me if you've heard any of this before. CNN has become a live re-run. Actually, if you've heard that part about male circumcision, you aren't welcome here. Unless of course you were a doctor or scientist involved in the research. In which case, go wash your damn hands. Repeatedly. And why don't you just leave anyway.

I've been tempted to write about Bret Michaels' new dating show on vH1, aka Flavour of Love for white people. If you haven't seen it, you must. For those who've missed it, along with the international brethren who can't get 'Celebreality,' here's the premise: You take one washed-up rock star (Bret), you throw him into a room with 30-40 current or ex-strippers (all named Bambi, Bonnie or Pam) and an open bar and you let the cameras roll. In other words, it's like watching one of those book circles where one person reads a book then passes it on to the next person. Except in this case the book is actually a venereal disease. I'm not sure which one is going to be more of a train wreck, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels or Scott Baio is 45 and Single, but you can be assured there will be a lengthy analytical breakdown when both have ceased. Provided I haven't poked my eyes out by then.

I think I'll decide to embark on a new adventure. If you haven't read my previous posts from the Roma Offside, I'm a big fan of mostly anything out of the Former Soviet Bloc excluding Andriy Shevchenko, Chernobyl and to a lesser degree, Communism - good in theory, bad in practice (real bad). But that's a whole different topic which will probably draw significant provocation, and one I'm likely to avoid. In high school my senior year theology teacher taught us never to discuss three things: religion, politics and Biodome - because it never happened. As for the first one on that list, he was more into philosophy and he was probably one of the most influential teachers I've ever had - I'm sure that's just what the president had in mind when he hired him. Anyhow, I think I'm going to jump on the bandwagon of a Russian Premier League team, though I don't know which one yet. I'm leaning towards CSKA Moscow, but I'm pretty sure they still have informal ties to Roman Abramovich and I refuse to support anything involved with Chelsea. Also in the running are Lokomotiv Moscow and Spartak Moscow, with Zenit St. Petersburg as the dark horse. If you're wondering why I'm not really considering teams outside of Mockba, take a look at the league table. If you think I'm going to root for mid-lower table RPL team you're out of your mind.

Basically this is me babbling about nothing, which means I'm open to suggestions and feedback, for themes and whatever else. So if you've got ideas just let me know. And we'll be making good use of Muddia Beduddia's casting skills soon.